Caution: Work in Progress

I recently turned 30 and in all honesty I have been looking forward to it for a while now.  I never quite understood women who struggled with this age.  I've always looked forward to it thinking, "I will finally feel like a real grown up when I reach 30."  As if 3 kids and more than a half dozen years of marriage hadn't quite qualified me as an actual grown-up adult.  And besides, your 30's can't possibly be worse than your 20's right? ...Right? 

I have been a 30-something for all of 2 weeks now and I can testify that I don't feel any different.  My days are still long and sometimes hard but my life is full of joy and blessings. The same joy and blessings as I had a year ago, but also the same difficulties. I guess what I am starting to realize is, we are all a work in progress. There is no magic age or stage of life where I will finally have it all together. I will always be in progress. I'm not sure my control freak, perfectionist self is okay with that but I think I am. I mean, think about it - what are we if not "in progress"? Stagnant, stale, decaying or dead.  No thanks. Progress is where it's at. 

The struggle I have as a wife and mother - heck, as a woman in general - is that I want progress to equal perfection. Or the possibility that I can attain it. Truth be told, I can't and neither can you. Can we grow? Absolutely. Mature? Of course.  Be better today than yesterday? You betcha.  But that has to be enough for me. I have to be able to wake up knowing that all I can really do is be a better wife, mom, employee, sister, daughter - whatever - than I was yesterday. That I have to keep on keepin' on and know there will be times when life feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  SOmetimes progress is slow, but it's still progress.

For so long, I had this idea in my head of what perfection was and in fact, I can think of so many women that I have given this title to in my own mind. Truth is, they're not. They struggle just like me, but unlike me they have allowed themselves to fail (and move on) instead of just labeling themselves a failure and giving up. My life will always be in progress. We will not be made perfect and complete until the day the Father takes us home and declares His work finished.  I can rest assured that my relationships, finances, fitness, emotions and spiritual health will always be in progress and that Christ will always be there to guide my way if I let Him. To me, that is the true measure of success.

And hey, if the 30's don't work out, there always 40 right? ...Right?  I hope I am blessed enough to find out.

The Measure of a Momma

I used to say that if I was guaranteed only boys, I would happily have a football team and drive a 15 passenger van - and then I had her. This tiny and terrifying bundle of sweetness who decided to enter this world on the one day of the year I swore I would never have a baby.  She is fierce and funny, sweet and (sometimes) sassy, a dreamer and a daddy's girl and all she wants to be is just like me.  I have never known this kind of pressure and it frightens me.

As a woman who has struggled most of her life with confidence and self-esteem - who can't quite reconcile the Truth of who she is and who she was made to be with what she sees in the mirror, I feel completely inadequate to lead my daughter through this tough & twisted maze of life into womanhood.  I understand the enormity of the task and in so many ways all I really want to do is shrink away from the responsibility. As I have done in so many other areas of my life, I feel convinced that I am unqualified for the task ahead and it is all too easy to believe the lie that I am not enough. Not good enough, smart enough, patient enough, organized enough, thin enough - as if the size of my jeans has any bearing whatsoever on my ability as a mother - and yet I can believe it does.  Given enough time, and without proper evaluation, all lies can start to look like truth.

Here's the thing that strikes me though - the one thing my daughter hears most often (only second to comments about her ridiculous amount of hair) is how much she looks like me.  It makes her beam and it makes me cringe.  When I hear that my instinctual thought is, "Don't tell her that - tell her she's beautiful".  When I look at her I see freedom, joy, beauty and light - not things I typically associate with my own reflection...but God is using her to change me.  Through her, I am learning to seek out the good and give myself Grace for the rest.  I want her to grow into all the things I was never brave enough to be and she can't very well do that if in one ear she hears how much she is just like me and in the other ear she hears me tearing myself down.

I want her to try new things. I want her to fail and get back up, to forgive and be forgiven.  I want her to know that being kind is more important than being pretty because a gentle heart is the best kind of beautiful there is. I want her to know that God has a plan for her and that I will do my best to help her live it.  I want her to know that I am not perfect and she won't be either - and that's ok.  I want her to know her worth has nothing to do with her dress size or bust size or public opinion.  I want her to know that we are both loved by an awe-inspiring God who created us to be exactly what we are.

And so, He is teaching me first - and He is using her.  This wild-haired, starry-eyed, beautiful baby girl of mine has wrecked my world in the best way possible.  She will break my heart and cause me to cry out for His.  Through her, I am learning how to be a better me, not a perfect one.  And I am so glad God cared more about what I needed than what I wanted, because I would have missed out on the blessing of being her Momma.

Summer Is Not For Every Mom

So yeah, summers here and the craziness has begun - am I the only one who dreads this season? Maybe dread is too strong a word, but honestly...it's a struggle.  Everyone around me is waxing poetic about how great their summer break is going to be and how they are so excited for lounging around the pool, lazing the days away and I feel like I can't breathe at the thought of it all.  I am a routine-loving, schedule-keeping, task-doing momma and summer is just NOT the season for that type of ambition.  Add in the fact that I melt at any temperature above 80* and we have a recipe for (potential) disaster. 

I'm not sure how exactly, but every year summer break sneaks up on me. Maybe it's because it's sandwiched between graduations, weddings, lamb show and Memorial Day campouts but it seems like we're cruising through our school day routine - and one day BAM! it's the last day of school and we all lose our minds. Figuratively, of course :)

Here's the thing - I really want to enjoy summer.  I dream of days at the local pool, trips to the library or Wildlife Safari, hiking the falls, swimming at the river, visiting the local produce farms, camping and on & on.  I have visions of TV free days spent playing outside, riding bikes, reading books in the hammock and sitting around the fire pit at night....and perfectly behaved lovely kids with clean faces, matching shoes and no fighting. YEAH RIGHT.

I did say I was dreaming.  I guess for me, the thing that's hardest about summer is, I gotta let go of the expectations and just make the effort anyway, because honestly - I am the only one that will remember the fights or the messy house in the rearview.  My kids will love knowing their crazy, tight-wound, type A momma made an effort to enjoy them for the few months of summer break.

So here's to all the other summer-loathing moms out there!  Throw away your list, ignore the laundry and grab an ice cream - it's gonna be a wild ride.

If You Really Want To Be Rad {Like B-RAD}

This week has been hard.  I get so emotional thinking about the fact that you have just graduated high school - knowing all that we have seen you through over the years and it becomes hard for me to properly express everything I want to say.  I tried to write it in a card, tell you in a hug and let you know with a smile, but this is the only place that ever feels right. 

First, let me say I am so proud of you. It seems that's all I can really get out these days and I know you have heard it 1,000,000 times but it is true. You have made us all so proud!

I am a bit excited and nervous and anxious all at the same time to see what is coming next for you - and if I am being honest, a bit afraid. My heart breaks for all the heart breaks that I know this life can give. 

Weston was right when he said the next 10 years of your life are the most important. So many big decisions will be made in the coming years and all I really want is for you to have all that you really want.  But that's a tricky thing. Some of the biggest scars I bear came from the things I wanted most - or thought I wanted. It can be so hard to know at times.  And very often, the things we want most are the very things we should be running from. I think that's why God gave us family and community - to help us know the difference.

So here's the thing, I only want what is best for you and I will always be honest with you. Sometimes that will be hard...for both of us.  I know as a human and fellow finding-my-own-way-through-this-crazy-life adult you will not always (or ever) agree with me. I by no means expect you to heed every bit of advice or agree with every opinion of mine but I will share it anyway because I love you and that's what we do for people we love.  

There are so many things that have made you the "RAD" guy you are today - you are compassionate, genuine, loving and loyal. You pursue excellence with humility and grace. You are faithful, fiercely protective of those you love and (almost) fearless - {cause you know...needles} You are the kind of man this world needs more of.  I am invested in you and passionate for you to live the life you desire.

I am so thankful for you in my life & for all the championship moments I have been able to share with you so far.  I look forward to all the ones to come. Thank you for being a steadfast example and living an honorable life. I pray that God would continue to guide you and bless you with every good thing.

 Love, Ashley

How Many Mothers Does It Take?

I have been blessed enough to be called "Momma" for 11 years now and as I sat reflecting on all the years leading up to this one and all the years ahead, it struck me just how many "mothers" of my own I have been blessed with on this crazy-wild journey into motherhood. 

My mom - the one with whom I share my flesh and blood - labored me into this world, and I am so thankful for her love and patience with me over the years, but there are so many other women that have loved and labored over me.  Prayed and pleaded, grieved with me and grown me. Given an ear and a shoulder. Today, I want to honor them as well.

Moms like Roni that never bore her own baby child into this world, but loved me as her own.  Checked in on me, encouraged me, always gave the best hugs and the sweetest smile. Was always ready for a laugh or a good long cry. She has loved me well. She is my mother.

Moms like Laurie, with 3 girls of her own that was always okay with me hanging around. She drove me to soccer practice and track meets and basketball & cheered and whistled LOUD even though I was never any good...at any of it.  She was silly and good hearted and giving and patient and would bring me cough medicine and pray with me in the middle of the night when I wasn't feeling well at her house. She was always full of love and a little bit of mischief. She is a living example of what living your life for Christ looks like.  She has loved me well.  She is my mother.

Moms like Brenda, Verna Lee, Kathy, Sue and Susan who mentored me through the birth of my 2 youngest children.  They gave me confidence and assured me that I could do this mothering thing after such a long break. True Titus 2 women that taught me how to love my husband and children - and reassured me it was okay that those things didn't always come easy or naturally.  They were always ready with a smile and a hug and open arms to hold my sweet babies so I could breathe a minute.  They prayed with me through hard times, encouraged me, reminded me that I was not alone - that they had made it through these crazy mothering years and I would too. These ladies were constant and committed to me.  They have loved me well. They are my mothers.

Moms like Mary, who isn't nearly old enough to be my actual mom but loved me like a daughter. She gave me a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on and always gave sound advice. She was honest with me and taught me to love the hardest of truths.  She counseled and consoled me into adulthood and through some of the hardest years of my life. Through abuse and eating disorders and all sorts of ugly, she has loved me well. She is my mother.

Moms like Ora. Moms who are moms and grandmas and the-last-of-her-generation matriarchs.  She was always sweet and just a bit sassy. My daughter bears her name and some of that same temperament.  I loved that she was never too busy or sick - even when she was. She quilted and sewed and painted and loved and lived every minute of her life until the end.  I miss her and I am so thankful she was a part of my life. She loved me well. She is my mother.

Moms like Bonnie, my gracious, kind and loving mother-in-law.  I am not kidding and only slightly bragging when I say I married into the best family ever.  This woman has raised amazing children and given me the gift of my husband, Eric, as the man he is today. She has intentionally loved and guided each of her children to love and follow hard after God. She has embraced me as her daughter and I am blessed by her in my life and the lives of my children.  She is hard working, smart, funny and hospitable.  She blesses me everyday. She has loved me well. She is my mother.

Moms like Marla and Kim that have adopted me as their own. There is no doubt that they love me. They are kind and encouraging - brave and loyal.  I know they are only a phone call or text away at any time. I know I can entrust them with the burdens of my heart and that they will wage war on my behalf at the gates of Heaven.  They have loved me well. They are my mothers.

As I write down these names, I know I could list many more and I am in awe of all the ways that God has blessed me through the years. Some of these women have moved towns, or onto another phase of life or even passed into Heaven, but they have left a lasting impression on my life and the way I approach being a wife and mother.  I pray that I can be that woman for others as I walk out my days and that my daughter is blessed with many, many amazing mothers in her life as well.

I will never be the same for having you in my life and I am so grateful.  So today, I want you to know that I honor you. I cherish the time spent together and all the lessons learned from you. Thank you for giving your time, prayers, energy and love. I count you as my mother and you are treasured.
You have loved me well. I am your daughter.

Happy Mother's Day!
Love, Ashley

Five Minute Friday: Mess

So, I have been reading Lisa Jo's blog for a while now and love her. LOVE her! I cling to her honesty and "realness" daily and know that she speaks His truth into my life. She is a big reason I have decided to write again. My real life friend Tresta at Sharp Paynes is the other. She is a beautiful, talented, gracious, real woman of God and I treasure her sweet words hand delivered to my inbox in a way she'll never truly know.  So, I have decided a good way to "get my feet wet" so to speak is to jump on the FMF (Five Minute Friday) bandwagon.  Every Friday, Lisa gives us a word prompt and 5 minutes to write freely and unedited. This could be dangerous - or hilarious. I like it :)

MESS

Mess seems to be the buzz word right now.  At MOPS we are learning to embrace our Beautiful Mess, my new book from Kristen Welch, Rhinestone Jesus is all about saying yes in my mess, the in(RL) webcast is encouraging us to use our mess to bless others and really all I want to do is hide this mess.

I have long struggled to see the beauty that I should know Christ has given me. I don't mean physical beauty. I mean the beauty that comes from a life lived for Him - a life lived for others. Somehow, I still can't see the value I bring into this crazy world of ours. I try and clean and tidy and organize and shine away every scuff mark of life to compensate for my mess that I perceive to be too great to be useful.  I can't see past the mess of my own life or mistakes or choices - and sometimes circumstances - to believe there is anything good I can offer.

And maybe I can't... I know I can't. All I can offer is the real-life true story of a broken and redeemed mess, and for today that is good enough.

For When You've Been Looked Over

Tonight was hard. I know you had expectations that your greatness would be recognized and I could see your heart sink as you realized that tonight was not your night. I am not a big fan of "participation awards" and "everybody wins" because everyone does NOT win. At least, not all the time.  But let me tell you something - you did deserve to be recognized for 1,000,000 reasons. You deserved to have your name called out, the walk to the front, the applause - you deserved it all.  I am not saying that the wrong kids were picked - only that you ARE great. I see you for all that you are and I. Am. Proud.  You are the kid with the brains, the good looks, the humor, and the stable family (Well, most of the time :p) and it doesn't occur to people that you might need a little encouragement.  It doesn't occur to ME enough.

I think you are amazing and it is unfair that I just assume you know that. As your Mom, it is my job to encourage you and cheer for you and not wait for someone else to do it.  So please know that I am proud to be your Momma and proud of the man you are growing to be, so here's your recognition. Your blue-ribbon. Your room of applause. Your hootin'-hollerin'-fist-pump-in-the-air-atta-boy... 

Max, You made me a Momma. You! Did you know your name means "Great One" or "The Greatest"? It is a very fitting name, I think. I am so grateful for you.  You made my dreams come true.  All I ever wanted to be was a Mom. I was so young and it is crazy to think that you are growing so fast. I have learned so much from you and I know I joke about it, but you really are my guinea pig. Thanks for being such a gracious one :) I have been blessed by you from the very beginning through  all the hard things and tough choices, YOU have given me hope in a future that I didn't dare dream of.  You are a daily reminder to me of God's faithfulness, Grace and Providence.  God could not have blessed me with a better first born.

You are the BEST big brother - smart and kind - and so much help to me! I know I can count on you to be a good example to your siblings and be a leader at school.  You bring joy to the lives of everyone around you and are adored by so many. You are polite, loyal, thoughtful and caring - a great friend to everyone. You are strong as an ox and as gentle as the lamb you have been tending to day & night for the past 6 weeks. I love that you don't play favorites and you don't leave people out.  You are artistic and imaginative, a talented athlete and incredible student. I love that you love books just like me and have such a hunger for knowledge.  You are adventurous and brave and noble and funny - and I love you.

I know you want to be the best at everything you do, but don't give up or count yourself out because you are afraid you'll fail or look silly. There are so many things worse than looking silly.  You can be amazing at absolutely anything you want. God has gifted you in so many ways that I am daily blown away by you and the abilities you have.  This is only the beginning - God has a plan for your life and I can't wait to see all the ways you bless people through Him in the future. 

So, take risks - try new things. Stay humble, and know that you are capable of ANYTHING & I will be here cheering for you through EVERYTHING. 

You are a great son, and I am one blessed Momma.