The Year of the Surgery

It started with Logan in April, then Max in August and now my sweet little Maggie in February. What a long 12 months this has been. 
I vividly remember the exhaustion of all those trips to Doernbecher.  I spent the better part of the month of April between pre & post operation appointments, way too many hours in the car, and trying to simultaneously comfort an unsure 2.5 year old boy with one arm while nursing my barely 2 week old baby with the other. 

Max's surgery to remove his tonsils was much less tiring in many ways, but I was not at all prepared for the recovery time and process. There was very little sleep for either of us the first week after the procedure.

Now, here we are 10 months later and I can't sleep the night before Maggie's surgery.  She is (finally) getting tubes in her ears after 4 months and 12+ ear infections. My poor girl needs relief, and so do I! 

I am so thankful for all the ways the Lord has provided for us this year and given us more grace for one another as we have been stretched to our limits & navigated these trials.  I praise God daily that my children are (for the most part) healthy and we do not have to wake up everyday and face losing one of them to a disease.  I know all too many mommas that do, or have. 
That being said, I am more than ready to say good-bye to "The Year of the Surgery" and (hopefully) hello to "The Year of Great Sleep".  Hey! A momma can dream, right!?!

Bleary Eyed & Battle Weary

The last 3 weeks or so of this momma's life have been full and long.  I have been to at least a dozen doctor's appointments, comforted my sweet baby girl through 4 ear infections, made 3 visits to an ENT, 2 visits to Urgent Care, collected one "sample" (yuk), had to cancel a much needed date night, spent hours in prayer and had way too many nights with little to no sleep.  I am battle weary. I am tired. 

I have missed out on the quiet of nap time, since Maggie has been too fussy most of the time to really rest. I have missed blogging, having coffee with friends, talking on the phone with my mom, sewing, spending alone time with my husband and the list goes on.  I have sacrificed and I have cried out in frustration. But I have realized something.  As much as I try, I can't have it all.  At least not all in the same season.

  To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

² A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
³ A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
⁴ A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
⁵ A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶ A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
⁷ A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
⁸ A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8~

What a comfort this passage has been to me. I almost always hear it at funerals.  When time is gone and we are searching for comfort to see us through the days ahead. But only recently have I considered the application of these verses to my everyday life.  What about the days we only feel dead, but our hearts are still beating? The days that seem so dark and long and full that we aren't sure we will live to see the sun rise?  Don't we need these verses then, too?  I do. Maybe even more. 

I can't have Spring flowers in the dead of winter any more than I can have an immaculate house with kids at home.  I can try my best, count my blessings and enjoy the season I am in now...whether the brightest Summer day or the darkest Winter night. Someday I will be able to write in peace, use the bathroom alone or have an uninterrupted phone call and I am certain that I will wish for just one more day of craziness.  A too-loud house full of wrestling boys and up all night snuggling with my sick baby girl.

The days are still long and full. I am still bleary eyed & battle weary, but I am renewed at this thought. My heart is a little lighter as I head into tomorrow. I will enjoy this season and the next....and the next.  I will praise God for every one He gives and every way He uses them to minister and teach me more about who He is.  God is good.

This post is linked up at

Student or Teacher?

A while back, a young woman in our congregation brought me a journal and explained that she was asking women in our church to write in it for her. She was hoping to gather bits of advice, encouragement and/or words of wisdom from those that had gone before her into this crazy world of womanhood.  Pretty smart of her, yeah? I thought so, too....what I couldn't figure out was why she was asking ME. 

I was a little taken back by the request and unsure of how to respond, so I laughed nervously and said, "Yeah, I'll take it, but if it's wisdom you're after you should ask....".  I didn't open it until I got home and only then did I realize just how little I had to offer.  There was great advice from Godly women already filling the pages and I only felt less adequate for the task at hand, so I avoided it.  I put it on my headboard and put it off until the ever-elusive "later". 

I am pretty sure I had that thing for months, all the while wrestling with the idea of it.  It wasn't so much that I couldn't come up with something to say, I just wasn't really sure that I should have been asked.  She was looking to those she deemed to be wise women, and I just didn't measure up. She had pages upon pages of advice from amazing women that had travelled much farther down this road than I.  Mothers and grandmothers, pastor's wives and missionaries, Titus 2 women and long time lovers of Christ.  What could I say that would be even remotely relevant or worthwhile compared to what these women had already shared?

You see, I was not much older than her when I decided that the plan God had for my life wasn't working out quite like I'd hoped and I could handle this life on my own.  I got pregnant with my oldest son, Max, that year. I was 17.  How could any advice I give to this girl be anything but hypocritical considering the choices I made at her age?  How could I encourage her to stay the course and follow Christ when I myself had been too weak to do so? I struggled with that one.  I cried out to God these same questions and for a while no answer came. 

And when the answer finally did come, it was one that surprised me.  God hadn't laid it on her heart to ask me because I had lived my life perfectly and made all the right choices, it was because I hadn't.  I wasn't being asked to measure up to the advice of other women or claim to have it all together.  I simply needed to share with her the Truth of my testimony and the words I wished someone would have shared with me at her age, had I been mature enough to ask. 

My life is a beautiful picture of God's grace.  He has redeemed me and made it more beautiful and blessed than I ever thought possible.  I am so thankful He decided that the tattered pieces of my life were worth His breath of life and that I have been made new.  I bet your redemption story is just as beautiful.  Whether you made it through life always walking the golden path, or like me have arrived to this day with a few more scars, you are loved & cherished just the same. 

Thank you, T, for asking to hear my "words of wisdom".  God has used you to stretch and grow me, to test my limits and increase my understanding of His love & mercy.  I am forever grateful ~A. Dancer

Do Over or Do Better? - Gentleness Challenge Week 2

Here we are, heading into week 2 of The Gentleness Challenge.  How did your week go?  Anybody out there wishing for a "do over"?  I'm raising my hand!  That's not to say the week went horribly, but it sure didn't go perfectly.  I had some really great days and some not so great ones.  I have learned to recognize the time of day when I am most tired and pray up as those hours approach.  I feel like I had victory in some areas, like choosing playtime over household chores a few nights this week. It has alleviated a lot of irritability on my part and has helped give structure to our nighttime routine. Max has benefited from this the most.  He is much less whiny after school, because he knows that I will make time to sit down with him (and ignore the dishes, if necessary) before he goes to bed and do something fun.

"Yelling at a bud won't make it bloom"

That being said, I still have a LOT of work to do. I really liked what Courtney said on her original post, "Yelling at a bud won't make it bloom".  I read that, and think...duh! But isn't that the goal of parenting? To help our kids bloom and blossom into the person that God created them to be?  I cannot control or will a flower to bloom or grow by screaming at it anymore than I can my kids.  So why would I yell at them and expect different results? I think that might be the definition of insanity, folks.

I really appreciated the video that Courtney shared as well.  I tend to be the mom that nags and points outs faults. I don't want to be that mom. I want to speak words of life into my kids. I want them to know what Grace really means, and how in the world can they when I give them such a small margin for error?  I want to be more like the Lord and let my kindness lead to repentance.  I want them to be convicted by the Holy Spirit, and for that to happen it may mean I have to step back a little and quiet down a lot.  They will never hear the Holy Spirit whispering to their hearts if I am screaming at them. Although I have been very encouraged by these realizations,  I am only now realizing how little self-control I have in this area. Grow me, Lord!

So, as much as I would like to erase the not-so-great mom moments of last week, that is just not the way life works. I think instead I will settle for a "do better", I will give myself & my kids more Grace and I will pray that we can learn from every success and failure in the future.

Thanksgiving isn't just a holiday in November

Giving thanks is a habit, not just something we do once a year while we eat ourselves into oblivion.  It is a choice and a discipline, and it is not always easy.  Sure, when things are going well and all is right with my world, I am happy & thankful....but what about the hard days? The seasons in life when I am depressed, overwhelmed & exhausted? What about tragedies, heartbreak and loss? Do we give thanks then?  We should and we can.  Scripture tells us to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you". (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

I spent a lot of time dwelling on this verse last year.  As I prayed and asked God to help me be thankful, to Be Intentional about giving thanks, it became a little easier and made my life a whole lot better .  I know this change has come not in my own strength, but because of His power and my willingness to surrender this area of my life to Him.  I also know that this is a mindset that I need to renew daily in order to stay focused. 

That is why I am joining with Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience in her Joy Dare, to count 1000 gifts in 2012.  She writes, "So I write it down –This crazy Joy Dare to do it all over again because I need it, to make this the habit before all the other habits — the joy habit — and count a full 1000 gifts in 2012. He deserves all my thanks and it’s impossible to give thanks and simultaneously feel fear."

Her writing is beautiful and inspiring and full of thanks.  I appreciate her honesty and her ability to see the gifts, the jewels hidden among the mundane of life, and to encourage us all to join in.  If you want to take the Joy Dare, to count 1000 gifts of your own in 2012, please click here to read more & download the Joy Dare Calendar for January.  Have a smart phone? Get the app here.

Love is Patient, Love is Kind - Gentless Challenge Week 1

I am a yeller. I yell at my kids. Not all the time of course, but I short circuit some days & I yell.  I don't say this fact proudly as I am somehow justified in my actions. In fact, it comes with my head hung low, guilt in my heart and fear that I am not teaching them what love really is. That somehow my shortcomings in this area will cancel out or override the authenticity and depth of my love for them.  My kids know I am not perfect. Not only can they see it, I confess it to them...often.  There is no need to pretend.  I want them to know the truth, and the truth is that God is Love and in His mercy, He covers my shortcomings with his abundance and that is true love.  I show them love when I ask for forgiveness and when they extend forgiveness to me, I know they are getting it. They, too, are learning how to love.


If you, like me, lose it from time-to-time and want to be intentional about this area in your life I invite you to join me in The Gentleness Challenge.  Every Monday in the month of January, Courtney will post a video excerpt from her study of The Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson, that addresses this specific issue.  I will be praying for you as we walk this road together. 

Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love (God) Never Fails.

Be Intentional

Oh boy! The last 6 weeks have flown by in a haze as I have desperately tried to take in everything going on around me. I hate the knowledge that while I am living this life, I very rarely actually participate in it.  To be with my kids everyday & yet feel as though I missing out on their childhood is a maddening situation that I am sure many of you can relate to...and that is just one area of my life in which I feel like I am 'missing out'.  As I write this, I can think of a half-dozen tangents that I could take & realize how undisciplined I am in this area, as well. Yep, I'm a mess.

I guess that's the bad news, but the good news is: Tomorrow is a new day.  I know that with the re-setting of the calendar many of us re-plan, re-prioritize & resolve to do all those things we didn't do last year. While the start of a new year is always refreshing for me, one thing I have learned through this last year is that I don't need January 1st to start fresh.  Heck, I don't even need to wait until Monday (*Gasp*).  I am learning to take Christ at His word & believe the promise that His mercies are new every morning. What a freeing thought process this has been for me!  I don't have to feel frustrated or ashamed if (*when) I fail to meet the expectations I have set for myself.  Hallelujah!

I am setting about this year prayerfully & with one all encompassing goal in mind.  This year I resolve to Be Intentional.  I will be intentional about my time, my commitments, in the way I spend or don't spend our money, while parenting my children, during my time with the Lord and in every decision I make.  I will also fail. I will over commit. I will get wrapped up in 'doing' & forget to savor all the moments that make life worth living.  I will struggle to stay encouraged & focused....and I will cling to the promises of my God and learn more fully the meaning of Grace & Mercy. 

So join me.  Let's be intentional about this life we have been blessed with. Let your kids see you laugh more & complain less. Play with them & forget the laundry (or dishes, or messy beds, or whatever).  Find the wonder in the small things and enjoy them. Savor every minute, smell and sound of your day and those you spend it with.  Find joy in making your home a haven for your husband and really LIVE your life this year.  Be Intentional. And when you fail, praise the Lord for His Grace for a new day, His Mercy for our imperfections and His Strength to walk in His promises.

May God bless you in 2012!